I Have A Lot Going On

“I have a lot going on.”

This has been the way I start many an uncomfortable, vulnerable, confessional, awkward conversation. Before I’d indulge you in a heart to heart and the innards of who I am and why I am who I am OR even just answer the simple friendly “How are things with you?”.....I will first be sure that you understand “I have a lot going on.”

It sets the scene. It is an honest description of my life. For real. I always have a lot going on. Big stuff. Always.

(Not original, I know. This is what I have learned. Read on.)

One day I heard it come out of my mouth and I did one of those quick inhales. Like “Wait, did I really just say that?” Honestly, it caused me to do an internally dramatic eye roll.

It was blatantly clear in that moment that this catch phrase of mine has been overused, overplayed, overdone. ALL the overs.

Let me explain….

I am aware that when I first started using this “I have a lot going on” phrase it was done with all my guts. I lived too long as a tight little clam and I yearned for a more open, here I am world, sort of life. So I began getting real. Slowly and oh so awkwardly I started peeking out from tight little shell and letting some light in. One story at a time, my truth telling career had begun. And, people, it felt good. Telling the truth feels flippin’ fabulous. So….I kept going. Why the heck not? With all my pumping heart and all the buried strength I’d been building keeping my shell close, I pried that bad boy open and blubbered honest bits all over the damn place. If someone gave me just the hint of an “in”, if they showed any signs of craving this new found vulnerability like I so flumlisily uncovered…..I was all over that shebangy bangs.

And so it would begin…”Aw, thanks for asking. Actually, I really do have a lot going on…..”

I learned quickly that if I used this as my intro, it allowed me to be all over the place. It gave meaning to my lack of clarity, always searching, scattered, messiness. And let’s be real…….IT WAS TRUTH. Those words are an accurate description of who I was, AM and always will be. Good God, letting people see this was, IS, and always will be ….good for the soul.

However, somewhere along the line, my little clam shell started to get too breezy for my comfort level and if I was going to keep that bad boy open I needed some sort of relief or way to cover up somewhere else. Because, really, who can be honest, strong, and growing all over the place? Too much.

It began to sound more like this….

”Oh man, I am so sorry to bail on you but….I have a lot going on….”

Or

“I have been so lame (bitchy, tired, absent, etc..) lately. I am so sorry. It’s just…I have a lot going on…..”

It became less of an opener to a real deep conversation and more of a way to surpass those conversations. As if by letting you know there was a lot going on in my life, I was let off the hook. Any crappy behavior of mine could be explained away by this one simple phrase.

Clam shell tightening.

Sure I am still always searching, scattered, and messiness can be my middle name some days but that clarity thing? It, this crazy heart for life I have, is coming into beautiful focus. By no means do I have the all the answers to all the things BUT that heart I have for my life is undeniably getting clear-ER. And for that reason I can no longer choose this bail out phrase.

Hence the internal dramatic eye roll. I was on to myself.

I mean, for real, WE ALL HAVE A LOT GOING ON!!!

You, your neighbor, your kid’s teacher, the man on line at CVS, the old lady in church, that little kid in the car next to you……we all have a story. They are all big and messy and full of both dark and light and they all have such crazy mounds of worth. And here you are. You, your neighbor, your kid’s teacher, the man at CVS, that lady in church, that kid in the minivan……showing up. Doing life.

We are together on this one. Life is A LOT. Period.

Part of that clarity I am talking about is that these stories, my story, is not a reason to sit out this round until the nutty passes, they are the call to be put in the game.

This what I am clear on today. ….

It’s all been written. Wether I close my shell or let my freak flag fly in the open breeze, I am not in charge. A God way greater then me so awesomely has this. Weight off my shoulders. I can be as scattered, messy and needy as I am and still be loved, confident, and incredibly useful.

So……I want in. I want to do this A LOT sort of life with you people. I want to hear your stories. I want to talk. A LOT. I want to put my foot in my mouth, over share, and make things awkward if it means I get to do it with the GRACE and HEART of a God that makes all things beautiful.

So yeah, gratefully, I have a lot going on. You?