That Extra Breath

So I jumped into this challenge scared but willing. I came across it by chance and it was one of those moments where an extra breath was required. It was a moment of choice. I could click on, into the cyber world, only to consider the idea of writing for 31 days as something I just don't have time for. Even choose to see the idea as something quite crazy. After all, I had just been talking about committing to myself to the belief that unless I had a burning desire and confidence in the something "special" I had to say, I would not write. I had to be sure I was not doing this for the sole purpose of having a platform. That would feel out of integrity. However, to speak, write, and share with the intent to serve, say something that worth saying, use my life and how God has worked in it.....that would be pretty cool. My dream actually.

BUT, figuring out what that looked like only led me to question the hell out of myself.

Was this worth it?

Would this lead to me knowing my purpose?

Would it lead to the career I was meant to pursue?

Would people like it?

Would I find answers?

Would I find my clear voice?

Would I be of service?

Then the underbelly stuff...

Am I good enough?

Do I even have anything to say?

Am I kidding myself?

Am I even capable?

And in 31 days???

Yet, quite simply, it was in that extra breath that I knew. My belly full of flutters, my heart beating just a tad bit faster, my gut pushing my forward, I had to do this. I had to trust. I had been praying, the on my knees kind of prayers, for guidance as to what I was supposed to do next. Next steps made clear, please God.

And even with all my nagging, brain swirling questions, I kept getting met with the same heart whispering answer.

I would figure it out along the way.

Oh how that is NOT my comfort zone! Man O Man. Trust, seriously?

My prayers for WHAT NEXT were clearly being answered here. Was it the answer I wanted? Not so much.

Seriously those questions....I have has the same ones doing pushups in my little ole head for-forever. Always the same shit. Begging for answers. Tell me. Show me. Lead me.

But guys?? It wasn't quidance I was looking for. Gasp. I would have sworn up and down that guidance was all I was out for. Just show me the clear path and I'm all in.

Now, looking back, it is with great clarity that I can see my utter resistance to such guidance.

I was not willing to journey down just any path. I didn't just want guidance.

I wanted the outcomes dammit.

The telling, showing, leading.....they have been happening all along the way. Those same extra breath moments that I mentioned above, I have had plenty over the course of my life. I have followed some for sure. Thank goodness. Yet somewhere along the line, espeically in the last few years as I've been trying to figure out where God wants me, I decided that I would only jump in if there was a guarenteed outcome. Show me how this turns out and then I'll decide. Let me see what this looks like, what I get out of this, how great I look in the end....then I will trust.

So why now? What made me jump into this challenge? Pure desperation. I tend to work best when I am stripped of my ego. On my own, I was getting more and more lost. More confused, more hazy, more wishy washy. So, I just stopped moving. I began to get paralyzed with the "what if"? Denying my inner drive to move, speak, and write. Enter desperation.

Saying yes in that extra breath. Saying yes to God. Not knowing the outcome, letting go of expectations, and practicing trust. THIS is the scary yet awesome place I want to live. This is where hazy turns to clear skies and wishy washy turns to conviction.

My idea of what my 31 days was going to look like has shifted. The title Legacy was chosen with the idea that I would write about my history and what was handed down. As facinating as I still believe this is and the tremendous worth I know it has, these are stories that don't belong to me alone.

My story, the only one I can tell, is the Legacy I will leave. This is my purpose.

Yesterday as we danced around the living room to Shake it Off for the blog, I was reminded of the importance of my story and the extra breath choices I make today.

As we sat around the computer laughing at the first take of our video I was quick to criticize myself. Not out loud mind you. This all took place in my head. "Was I really going to post my big butt shaking for all to see.? And that shirt. I think that is making me look chubby. I should change it. "

I stood up and was on my way upstairs to change my shirt before take 2 when my oldest asked me where I was going. I was quick to blow her off and under my breath just say I wanted to change my shirt. I didn't tell her why...... but C'MON.

She looked right at me. So direct it made me take an extra breath. She simply said, "Mom, shake it off?!"

With that, I took another extra breath. A long deep and cleansing breath. How's that for answered prayers?

My Legacy. The one I choose to leave today. Shaking my ass. Laughing with an open heart and the whole of me, even the tush. This is my purpose.

Yesterday we sang the song Oceans at church. This one always gets me. But yesterday it felt like it was blowing me over. I felt the song in my whole body. I quietly breathed it in and cried.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you may call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger.”

Today I pray to take those extra breaths. To go where my trust is without borders so my faith can grow.