Training in the Gray

I am such a catch 22! Oh man I drive myself nuts sometimes.

I want my cake and to eat it too. Literally.

My sense of entitlement is astonishing. Really. I want my ideal life served to me on a silver platter. Thank you very much.

In the last few days this message has been driven home for me. Continually. Annoyingly. And oh so CLEARLY.

Why this is screaming so loud right now? Because it’s time. Simple as that. The lesson has been taught so many times and I just ignored. I would have moments of “A HA” followed by moments of “whatever”. I took for granted and I blew it off.

Here’s a bigger truth, the chances of me needing to learn this lesson again are pretty great. As frustrating as a truth as this is, I am choosing to embrace it. What other choice do I have really? I am no longer willing to put myself through the ringer for being a messy human. Been there, done that. An although it's a comfy familiar place, God has me on another path today. Amen.

So…. what I am talking about?

Discipline

What a heavy word, right?

In my past I looked at this word with fear and head hung low. It was something I believed I would never have “enough” of. No matter how structured I kept my life, it felt out of control. I could never keep up or catch up. A hamster wheel of lacking what it took to be satisfied.

Played out ever so clearly around my body. If I ate this food plan, this many calories, this new diet. Or if I fit into this pair of pants, could run this far, or stayed at this magic number on the scale…you get the picture.

So I rebelled. Screw discipline. I would fly by the seat of my pants. Spontaneity was way cooler and less tight ass-y anyway.

I saw discipline as a set of rules to measure my worthiness with. If the rules weren’t followed, I was bad. If I obeyed my self-imposed law, I was good.

Kept life both simplistic and sad.

With age, time, love, and God I have found a gray hue when defining this word.

My friend, Patricia Moreno with her practice of IntenSati, talks about discipline bringing a freedom from shame, guilt, regret and resentment.

Man do I love that definition.

Today, after walking through a, much needed, rebellious dance with my old beliefs, I am being made new.

Today, I am slowly bringing discipline into my life in a radical new way because I want the clarity and grace it brings.

I have new dreams. Big, scary, heart calling and gut stirring dreams.

It is absolutely going to take a freedom from regret, guilt, shame, and resentment to honor these dreams. It is going to take hard work (gasp). It is going to take stepping up when I would rather sit down and stepping out when I would rather stay put.

It is going to take discipline.

Although life is not always black and white and although the gray has served me well, I am learning that gray can also get murky. It's both really safe and beautifully murky. It's in this murk that my entitlement grows. I wait in the murky water for someone or something to pull me out.

I don't believe life is ALL about moderation. I also don't believe it is ALL about the extrememes.

I am going to dare to say that some black and white is called for. Those extrememes can be frightening but they are those big life heart fluttering moments that call us to expand.

Maybe it is in the gray that we learn to swim. It is where we build strength to pull ourselves out when we are called. Maybe it is in the gray that we are given the tools we need to jump and soar and all that jazz. Because we know that jumping and soaring business is absolutely a black an white thing right? We can't half way "go for it". We can't sorta take a leap of faith. It's those now or never, time to fly baby moments that we live for.

Maybe, if we pay attention, the gray IS the discipline.