You Are Just Taking Too Long For Me Buddy

I told you all the story of how God used my large tush to reach me in a way only I would understand. If you haven’t heard this story and you want to understand how I can talk about God and my big butt in the same sentence, click here.

I got the message. I heard it. I internalized it. I shared it and vowed to make changes.

I did.

For a little while.

I started working out more. I paid closer attention to the food intake. I felt like I was ready and God and I were in this together.

Then……. I (my self will and I know how to do this and I got this and I am FINE) familiar ways kicked in. It was just taking too stinkin' long. I needed results. All of a sudden, I couldn’t see how it was possible that I would have to wait any longer for the body I so desparetly missed. So….I took it back. All that I had so willingly handed over to a Power great then me, I took it back.

Here was my thinking, my prayer……

God, love ya. However, sometimes….you just take too long for me Buddy. Seriously. So yeah, you created the world and everything in it….So yeah, you are all powerful, you love me and want the best for me. Yeah, I know I am supposed to trust you and surrender and all that jazz. But c’mon God. C"MON! Listen…I’ve done this before. I know how to lose weight. I can do it really fast too. We know this, right? So…..why are we beating around the bush here? Why must I do it your way? I know what you are telling me to do and , well.....I don't want to. It is SO not comfortable for me. I am not digging it. At. All. It feels like the hard way of doing things. Why must it be hard? We both know, I LIKE EASY. This waiting, being still crap is killing me. My skin is crawling here. Why don't I just take over from here and I will meet you at the finish line. Cool?

What you need to know about me is I am a good Catholic School girl. Talking like this to God, doubting him, leaves me feeling uneasy. I go back to the shoulds. I should trust him. I should believe He’s got this under control. I should be able to let it go. I should know all this by now. I should love myself where I am and not be worrying about my body AGAIN. This gets me all in my head and further away from my heart.

Therefore, to all of it I now say, WHATEVER.

God and I are friends. I have this all mighty powerful Source on my side. If I know anything to be true, at all, it’s that I am loved. No matter how bratty or questioning or doubtful or resistant I can be. I can always count on His love. I can always fall into the arms of God with abandon and trust that I will be caught, held, and kissed on the forehead.

Bottom line, He gets me.

So then what? What happened after I threw my little hissy fit? A hissy fit I have thrown a million times before mind you.

I remembered. Simple, right? Simple yet pretty darn profound.

I remembered what "my way" really looks like and not just the memories I have on the highlighted reel. The highlight reel consists of the ones where I am dropping pounds daily, wearing a size so small I seriously contemplate wearing my clothes inside out just to show the world how I have finally arrived, and downing green juice like nobody’s business. These have happened, yes. I lived these. They were brief but they were good. The thing is, they came with their own set, or I should say truckload, of baggage.

With the pounds dropping daily came dropping minutes. I lost time with the people I love. When I was with them I was cranky, distant, and on the fast track to numb. I lost weight and they lost me.

With the smaller size clothes came smaller sense of self. My opinions, my focus, my conviction, my heart….they all seemed to shrink along with my jeans size.

While downing the green juice I also downed a crap load of self-degrading beliefs. My worth came from my calorie intake vs. my internal Source.

Amazing how easy it is for me to leave these memories off the highlight reel. Amazing how we, as humans, can be so sneaky, even with our own heads and hearts.

This area? It's a messy one for me. It has brought me to my knees over and over again. No matter how many times I try to prove to myself that "this time" can be different, left on my own, it gets messy.

Here’s my thinking and prayer today…..

God, you rock. Thank you for reminding me how much I need you. My way? Not so cool huh? Thank you for reminding me that I am just not willing to go there today. I refuse to give up precious time with my people. I can’t possibly let go of this new inner fire and drive you have gifted me with. And my worth? I know, it comes from you. That has become pretty darn apparent. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me. I’m not gonna lie. I still want to drop the extra weight, which would mean a smaller dress size and, quite honestly, green juice is yummy and good for me. Here's the thing, I am not willing to sacrafice my heart for it. I will follow your lead. My Friend, I trust you. I trust that you are using me and my story. Whaddya say, let's see where this goes, huh? I have to say, I am pretty psyched to take this ride with you. You have this thing signed, sealed, and delivered. I only need to pray while moving my feet. I promise I will do that. Move my feet that is. I will love myself and I will move my feet! I will walk through the hard work it takes because I know that with you, anything is possible. Let's do this.

So.......What does this mean for today, Octover 27th 2014?

Here's the funny/not so funny thing, I do know. Meaning I know how to take care of this bod I have. I'm pretty chock full of knowledge in this area actually. I just can't do it alone. Bottom line. I need the Big Guy AND I need the amazing human beings that have so lovingly been placed in my path. The ones that will guide me, call me out, hold my hand, kick my ass, and love me. I have a lot of these people. I am grateful. Today I reach out to those peeps.

My question to you....Thinking about the Legacy you want to leave, where are you full of knowledge but can't seem to "get it"? Where do you need that loving guidance and kick in the butt?

Today, reach out to your Power greater then you AND your peeps.

Today remember. Remember who you are, even those things not on the highlighted reel. We are all so stinkin' cute in our all too human nutty forgetfulness. We are all that nutty.

All of our stories have worth and they all have the promise of new.

Today, let us emember the Legacy we get to choose. Let us pray while moving our feet.