The Miracle of the Big Butt

Today I am going to interrupt the regular programming to tell you a quick funny story. Actually, come to think of it, this is totally part OF my regular programming.

Remember I said I wanted to let God lead? Well, he took me seriously.

First, a little background….

As you already know I have been questioning, thinking, and praying about how this 31 Days of Legacy was going to play out. There has been something weighing on my mind for the last few days. Something I was contemplating writing about but felt completely unsure about.

I wanted to talk about where I am in my journey right now. Specifically where I am at with my body. The thing is, I have done this before. In fact, I have done this A LOT. I’ve been talking about my relationship to food and my body for years. So when I felt like I was being called to do it again it felt, for lack of a better or more sophisticated word, annoying. Honestly, my reaction every time I would think about it was like my five year old when I ask her to clean her room. Like “Whaaaat? Now?! Can I just finish playing first?”

So, yesterday, I pushed the thoughts of the body stuff to the back burner and started thinking again about all the topics and people I could write about for today.

This takes me to last night. Kids were in bed. Andy was hanging with the dog. The house was quiet. I snatched up the opportunity to take a nice long hot bath. This is my Zen time. I don't even read in the bath anymore. Even being responsible for taking in words on a page feels like too much.

Moving on…

As I was in the bath I was talking to God. I was emptying my brain, once again, of my feelings about the good ole skin I am in.

More background…..

In the last year or so I tried a completely different approach to the way I related to food and my body. After spending the majority of my life white knuckling my way through, I was tired. I had always either been on a rigid “plan” or I had been rebelling against the “plan”. Yes, I was extreme in my behaviors in this area. I have struggled with, faced, dealt with, lived with, and grown from an eating disorder from as far back as I can remember.

This eating disorder is certainly part of who I am. It has undeniably shaped me but IT IS NOT ME. I was tired of letting it define me.

I spent the last year in new uncharted territory. Eating things in a relaxed sort of way, taking a back seat with working out, and an over all chilling out. Some times this worked incredibly well and then other times, it was a total joke. Chilling out has never come easy to me.

Needless to say, with eating and being so chill in an area that I spent in complete rigidity my whole life, I have put on weight.

This weight has brought me on a roller coaster of emotions. There are days where this has felt excruciating. I have been on my knees surrendering to the pain these pounds brought with them. It has NOT been easy.

But there is a flip side here. Somewhere along the line I have also, by a miracle outside myself, learned to love myself despite myself. The miracle is being okay getting dressed in the morning and thinking I look pretty damn good no matter what size jeans I am wearing, choosing to eat veggies because my body now craves the nourishing stuff not because that is what I do to stay thin, going for a long walk because it feels good to get fresh not because it burns calories, and getting on my yoga mat because it is an opportunity to connect to my center not because it is going to make me long and lean.

Okay, so now you have the background.

Moving on again…..

Last night I am hanging in the bath talking to God about this very thing. I was telling Him how I was feeling. The weight, this experience of letting go and surrendering, it has brought with it many, many lessons. I am grateful. But I think I am ready to let it go now. I want to lose these extra pounds. Not to fit into a smaller size. I don’t want to work with any sort of goal weight or anything. Been there, done that and it never brought anything good with it. I just want to feel more limber, energetic, and healthy.

I am also not blind to the fact that losing weight can be a dangerous territory for me. Because of that, I very clearly asked God if this is His will for me right now. Was He game for doing this WITH me? Was I ready? Was it time?

I enjoyed my last few minutes of the quiet and then got out of the bath to get ready for bed. I put my PJs on, put cream on my face, and brushed my teeth and hair.

Then, as I bent down to pick up my dirty clothes off the floor…..

RIIIIPPPPPPPPP

My pajama pants split right up the butt people. A MASSIVE RIP

I. Split. My. Pants.

Um, does God have an insane sense of humor or what?! There is not a doubt in my mind that this moment was designed especially for me by the Big Guy. He knows me all to well.

I know this too because, here’s another miracle for you. My reaction was not one of embarrassed, ashamed, or any sort of angry/sad.

I laughed. I laughed my ass off really. I laughed so hard the only sound coming out of me was a faint wheeze. Tears streaming down my face belly laugh.

For someone who has spent her life taking herself way, way, way too seriously, it felt freaking fantastic!

What did I get out of this?

For one, God has my back with this letting go of extra weight gig or better said, getting myself back to a healthy place physically is totally cool with Him. Actually, encouraged :)

Also, writing about the feelings that come along with it here, is a good thing too. Not only is it a massive part of my story, but the feelings and behaviors around body, weight, and self love are all major parts of my history and the Legacy I want to leave.

Who knew it would take a big butted pants split to get me here? I am totally digging it.